perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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