I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she smelled like a LAN party
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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