He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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