Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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