I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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