I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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