Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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