I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
