Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
