Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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