It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
