I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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