I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
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He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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