Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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