He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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