I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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