my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
