At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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