I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
