For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
