Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
