Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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