Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
