Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
