Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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