he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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