we need to drink 2009 down the drain
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sorry about my life...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
