note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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