life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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