Do you still have your period?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
