What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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