Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
