I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
