If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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