Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
