i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
