Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
