Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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