My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize