remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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