mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
