So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
