It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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