I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
