I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
