i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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