I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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