I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
