It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
