Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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