i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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