What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
