Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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