Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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