remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
where am i from again
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
