I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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