I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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