dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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