I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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