i barfeds in our rink
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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