I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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