The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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